i wrote this several weeks ago, lost the internet, found it, and now i'm posting it

so kayj is walking behind me pretending to talk on her cell phone (one of my wife's old ones.) its quite funny. anyway, last nite i could not fall asleep so i was up until like 230 or so. not much fun, but i did download a bunch of podcasts and other stuff on my ipod. Man i realized how much technology is used everyday for me. Everyday i wake up by either an alarm on my cell phone or my ipod. I text or make phone calls mostly every day. I use my laptop regularly. i'm almost always listening to something on my ipod. its just crazy. thats not relevant to what i wanted to write about. I've had this weird feeling lately. i don't know how to describe it. Its not a feeling of emptiness, but its not a feeling of fullfillment. i feel like i'm just in a rough part of my life right now. Hopefully getting 40 hours in every week at, spending time with wife and daughter, spending some time to myself, and i feel like most of the time i put God last. I'm trying to make being a believer more of life. but i'm such a lazy and selfish person. i'm trying out some podcasts by some preacher and churches that interest me (Mark Driscoll, The Hillsong churches in London and Sydney, lou giglio, and a local church that i have never attended call Grace Chapel.) yesterday i listened to a whole message from Mark Driscoll about what it takes to be a man and a man's role in his marriage. I was really convicting and also got me thinking, which is a good thing. So i'm kinda deciding right now to take all of this technological time i spend and put that towards use. Its hard for me to sit down and read my bible. but for some reason its not to hard for me to sit down and read it off of my ipod touch. i love the church i go to, but i have heard the same pastor speak for the last 11 years and its kinda driving me crazy. so its kinda nice to hear other people's pastors on a podcast. this rut i'm  in also got me thinking, i'm happy with my life right now. but i'm not fullfilled by my life. i don't want to be rich at all, but i want to be able to take care of my family. i had this dream last night (actually this morning) where we lived somewhere near the beach. it was like San Luis Obispo or Santa Barbara or something. but i only remember one short scene in my dream. its just around sunset and i'm sitting down at the bottom of these steps that lead down right to like a walkway before the sand and the beach. And there is a light ambient music playing. kinda like a Jack Johnson song or something. And i felt at peace, i felt happy. i wonder if that is where my life will be at some point. i wasn't old or didn't look older in my dream. i just want to be on those steps in my life right on the beach, where peace is. i wonder if this is how my mind views Heaven. I dunno i guess thats another blog. Peace out